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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780082">of mistletoe and indecision</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProbablyVoldemort/pseuds/ProbablyVoldemort'>ProbablyVoldemort</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas Party, Exes, F/M, Getting Back Together, Mistletoe, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Secret Santa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:28:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780082</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProbablyVoldemort/pseuds/ProbablyVoldemort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It goes like this:</p>
<p>Finn cheats on Clarke.  Clarke catches Finn in bed with another woman.  Clarke is sad and upset and goes to Bellamy.  Bellamy kisses Clarke.  Clarke kisses Bellamy back.  Clarke realizes she's in love with Bellamy and freaks out.  Finn comes back begging for another chance.  Clarke is still freaking out, so she agrees.  Bellamy freaks out.  Clarke and Bellamy don't talk for half a year.  Clarke catches Finn cheating on her.  Again.  Clarke dumps Finn.  Again.  Clarke wants to talk to Bellamy about it, but can't.  Clarke realizes she's still in love with Bellamy, and freaks out some more.  Harper rigs the Secret Santa draw so Clarke gets Bellamy.  Clarke freaks out.  Again.</p>
<p>Which leads us to now, with Clarke standing out in the snow outside the Christmas party, trying to figure out what she'll say to Bellamy when she sees him again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bellarke Secret Santa 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>of mistletoe and indecision</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrieevew/gifts">carrieevew</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day to anyone who celebrates that and Happy Saturday to anyone who doesn't!</p>
<p>I'd like to wish an extra special Merry Christmas to Carrieevew who this fic is for!  I hope you enjoy it!</p>
<p>This fic is based on the prompt: "Exes who see each other for the first time at a Christmas party.  One of them just broke up with someone else and realized they never got over the other and that the other sort of felt the same all along."  It is also vaguely based on Kelly Clarkson's new Christmas song Under the Mistletoe, which came on the radio while I was trying to plot this and really got me in the groove, so definitely go check that out!  It is also very slightly plot and pacing wise based on the six million Hallmark Christmas movies I've been watching.</p>
<p>Anyway, hope you all enjoy!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Memories fill my heart and I<br/>Can barely keep my tears from falling, oh<br/>I want your love<br/>Do you ever think of us?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>December 19</strong>
</p>
<p>Clarke stood in the snow, staring up at the front of Harper and Monty’s brightly lit house.  She was cold.  Her fingers and nose were freezing, and the snow was starting to seep in through her not-snow-appropriate footwear.  She could hear laughter and Christmas music coming from inside, but she was frozen to the spot, unable to force herself to walk up the three steps to the front door and let herself inside.</p>
<p>Usually, Clarke loved their annual Christmas party.  It was one of the few times now that everyone was able to get together at the same time, so she lived for the chance to see everyone again.</p>
<p>But most years were different for a lot of reasons.</p>
<p>Most years, she wouldn’t be standing in the snow in an ugly Christmas sweater and a Santa hat, too cold because she’d spent too long focused on making sure she looked good that she forgot a coat, trying to work up the courage to go inside, a box of sugar cookies in one hand and her Secret Santa gift clutched tightly in the other.</p>
<p>She didn’t know how she was supposed to go inside and see <em>him</em> for the first time.  She didn’t know how she was supposed to be okay with being ignored, which, if the way things had been going for the last five months was any indication, would be exactly what would happen.  She didn’t know how she was going to make it through tonight.</p>
<p>She jumped a little as an arm slammed down over her shoulders, and she turned to head enough to look up at Jasper’s grinning face.</p>
<p>“Merry almost Christmas,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows and Clarke found herself laughing a bit despite herself.  He tugged her present out of her hand before she could protest.  “Bellamy, huh?  Nice!  I got Monty.  I think Harper rigged it this year to be easy.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Clarke agreed dully, letting him pull her up the stairs and into the house.</p>
<p>“The party has arrived!” Jasper yelled, walking away from her with both their presents and his bag of alcohol, leaving Clarke standing just inside the door with her cookies and her wet shoes.</p>
<p>Harper swooped in a minute later, with a soft smile in exchange for the cookies and a baby on her hip.</p>
<p>“He’s already here,” she said, shifting Jordan higher on side.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Jordan said, grinning at Clarke wide enough to show all nine of his teeth.  He was dressed like an elf, and it would have been cute if Clarke wasn’t thoroughly freaking out.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Clarke said back, forcing a smile on her face even though she suddenly felt like she was going to puke.  She reached out to tickle his stomach.  “I’m going to the bathroom.”</p>
<p>She didn’t look at anyone as she skirted the edge of the living room, hurrying through the house like she was invisible despite the flashing lights on her sweater.  She slammed the bathroom door shut behind her, pressing her back to it like she could somehow keep the party from seeping in.</p>
<p>Jasper hadn’t given her a chance to tell him the truth, not that she would have told him it.  Because the truth wasn’t that Harper had rigged the Secret Santa draw to be easy.  It was the opposite in fact, at least in Clarke’s case.</p>
<p>Harper had rigged the Secret Santa draw so that Clarke would be absolutely miserable as she spent weeks picking out the perfect present for her former best friend, whose heart she’d ripped in half.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>November 25</strong>
</p>
<p>Clarke answered the door wrapped entirely in a blanket, ready to tell whoever was there to go away.</p>
<p>“You look terrible,” Harper said, handing her baby to Clarke and then pushing past her.</p>
<p>“Please,” Clarke grumbled, shifting Jordan into a safer hold.  “Come in.”</p>
<p>It had been one week since she’d found another girl in Finn’s bed, one week since she’d broken things off for good.  She wasn’t ready for any company, let alone company that came looking far too perfect for having a nine month old baby and that also came with said baby.</p>
<p>She sighed as she closed the door, following Harper into her apartment.</p>
<p>“What are you doing here?” she asked, flopping back onto her couch, Jordan giggling as they went.</p>
<p>“You’re not answering the group chat,” Harper pointed out, giving her a pointed look from where she was moving dangerous or breakable items to higher places.  “You would’ve known what I’m doing here if you looked at it.”  Clarke sighed again and didn’t answer, just raised Jordan above her head and wiggled him around.  “It’s Secret Santa draw time, but that can wait.  Seriously, Clarke.  What’s going on?”</p>
<p>Clarke closed her eyes for a moment, bringing Jordan back down to rest against her chest.</p>
<p>“I dumped Finn,” she said, and she could almost swear Harper whispered <em>finally</em> under her breath.  Not that Clarke would have cared if she had.  Finn was a dick.  “He was cheating on me.  Again.”</p>
<p>“Again?” Harper asked, and Clarke rolled her head over so look at her friend.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she confirmed.  “Again.  That’s why I dumped him the first time.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>Jordan was squirming, so Clarke deposited him on the floor.</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>It was another moment before Harper spoke again.  “I didn’t know that.”</p>
<p>“No one did,” Clarke threw her arm over her eyes.  “Only Bellamy knew.  And I fucked that up, so now he can’t even gloat at me that he was right.”</p>
<p>Harper was quiet.  She didn’t even admonish Clarke for swearing in front of her kid.  She was quiet long enough that Clarke risked looking over at her again.  Harper was sitting in the chair across from Clarke, absently bouncing Jordan on her knees and staring contemplatively at her.</p>
<p>“What?” Clarke asked, and Harper bit her lip.</p>
<p>“You can talk to me, you know,” she said.  “About Finn, yeah.  But we’ve all noticed something’s going on with you and Bellamy, even though neither of you will talk about it.  But you can talk to me, okay?  I literally spend ninety percent of my time alone with a baby.  I have time to help you with your problems, and I’m really in need for some grown up talk.”</p>
<p>A bit of a smile forced its way onto Clarke’s face at that, but it was gone as soon as it appeared.</p>
<p>There was a part of her that never wanted to talk about her colossal mistake with anyone.  She’d fucked up big time, and telling anyone about it would just bring their scorn and their judgement.  No one needed to know how terrible a person she was.</p>
<p>But there was another part of her that wanted someone to know, that wanted someone to tell her how she could fix things and that everything was going to be okay.  She wanted to cry and to scream, and to have someone hold her while she did so.</p>
<p>Usually that person was Bellamy, but, for obvious reasons, it couldn’t be him this time.</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said, rolling her head back to stare at the ceiling so she wouldn’t have to look at Harper while she talked.  “But you can’t tell anyone.  Not even Monty.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Harper said quickly.  “It’ll be between you and me and Jordan.”</p>
<p>So she told her everything, every detail, everything she’d said that made her a terrible, horrible person.  She told her about the weeks she’d spent with Bellamy, the weeks that were so perfect, so wonderful, that everything would inevitably come crashing down.  She told her how she brought everything down on her own the first chance she got, so the crashing would be on her terms, so she wouldn’t get hurt, so their friendship wouldn’t be ruined.</p>
<p>It went without saying that she ruined their friendship anyway.</p>
<p>And Harper didn’t judge her.  She just listened, moved from the chair to the couch when Clarke started crying so she could wrap her in her arms, juggled her baby and her upset friend like a pro.</p>
<p>When her tears subsided, Clarke’s cheek was resting on Harper’s shoulder, her eyes staring down at her hands.</p>
<p>“It’s been awful,” she whispered.  “I haven’t seen him since.  I can’t just reach out to him, not after that.  And obviously he doesn’t want to reach out to me.  Why would he?”  She paused, swallowed.  “But now he was right and Finn just cheated again and I just—he’s the only person I wanted to talk to about it, but I couldn’t.  I don’t even know how to fix this.”</p>
<p>“But you want to,” Harper said softly, stroking her hair.  “Being sorry is good enough for a first step.”</p>
<p>“I’m not just sorry,” she said, closing her eyes.  “When everything went down with Finn—I mean, I was upset, yeah.  He was cheating on me.  Obviously I was upset.  But I don’t know.  Finding out he’d cheated on me was nothing compared to realizing I couldn’t talk to Bellamy about it.  Not being able to see him or talk to him—Harper, it’s been killing me.”</p>
<p>Harper’s arms squeezed her tighter.  “Oh, Clarke.”</p>
<p>She shook her head.  “I shouldn’t have left him,” she whispered.  “Bellamy.  I shouldn’t have left him.  I shouldn’t have—I love him, Harper.  I love him so much it terrifies me.  I think that’s why I did it, but I didn’t even realize it until I found that girl in Finn’s bed.”</p>
<p>“Oh, Clarke,” Harper sighed again.  “You know what you’re gonna do?  You’re gonna talk to him.”</p>
<p>Clarke groaned.  “I <em>can’t</em> talk to him,” she argued.  “There’s no way he’ll want to talk to me, and he definitely doesn’t want to see me.  And even if there was a chance, I have no idea what I’m supposed to say.”</p>
<p>“You’re coming to the Christmas party,” Harper told her, which seemed like a complete topic change.  “So is he.”  Oh.  There was the topic, and another reason for Clarke to dread going.  “You’ll talk to him there.  There won’t be a good time to do it, but try to at least wait until the presents are done.  And then just corner him or something.  And what you tell him is that you’re sorry.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think sorry will cut it,” Clarke said, because that was easier to focus on than the thought of being at the same party as Bellamy, the thought of seeing him again, the thought of potentially, actually talking to him.</p>
<p>“Obviously not,” Harper agreed.  “But it’s a start.  And I can’t do the rest of the work for you.  You need to figure out for yourself what you’re going to say.  But start with an apology.”</p>
<p>And that seemed like a small enough step that Clarke could work with.</p>
<p>They talked a while longer, played with Jordan and had a snack on the random assortment of food in Clarke’s kitchen.  They agreed that she needed to go grocery shopping, preferably sooner or later if she didn’t want to starve to death.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until Harper was leaving that she pulled the little pencil case with the Santa print from the diaper bag.</p>
<p>“Almost forgot,” she said, shaking it briefly before unzipping it and holding it out to Clarke.  “Take your pick.”</p>
<p>Clarke still wasn’t in the Secret Santa mood, but she gamely reached into the case to find out who she’d be buying a gift for.  When she unfolded the slip of paper, her heart stopped.</p>
<p>“No,” she said, shaking her head as she folded it up again.  “No, Harper.  I can’t do this.  I need to draw again.”</p>
<p>“Did you get yourself?” Harper asked, and Clarke shook her head, opened her mouth to keep protesting, but Harper plowed on.  “Then no redraws.”</p>
<p>“But it’s <em>him</em>,” Clarke whispered, pleading.  “I can’t do this, Harper.  Please.”</p>
<p>Harper shook her head, stuffing the Santa case back into the diaper bag.  “Think of it as part of your apology, if you want,” she suggested.  “Show him how much you care, how sorry you are.  Just keep it under thirty dollars.”</p>
<p>“Harper, please,” Clarke begged again, even as Harper toed her shoes back on and wrestled her son into his coat.  “Please.  I can’t do this.”</p>
<p>“Yes, you can,” Harper insisted, smiling at her.  “You can do this.  No one knows Bellamy better than you.”</p>
<p>“You did this on purpose,” Clarke accused, and Harper just shrugged, looking far too innocent and not disputing the claim.  Clarke gasped, staring at her.  “You <em>did</em>.”</p>
<p>“You weren’t answering the group chat, so we signed you up to bring cookies,” Harper said, avoiding the question.  “Start checking your messages.”</p>
<p>And then she was gone, leaving Clarke with a pit in her stomach and a piece of paper burning though her hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>December 19</strong>
</p>
<p>Clarke stared at her reflection, trying to talk herself up to head back into the party.</p>
<p>She could do this.  She could go out there and talk to people and wouldn’t even have to look at Bellamy.  She could spend the night avoiding him back, and no one would even notice.</p>
<p>Plus she looked hot.  She’d put way more effort into her hair and makeup than she’d ever admit, and it fucking worked.  She was hot and she was friends with all these people, too, and she was ready to head back out there.</p>
<p>So that was exactly what she did, pulling open the door before she could second guess herself.</p>
<p>Which of course meant that the first thing she saw was <em>him</em>, immediately outside the bathroom door, fist still raised to knock, eyes wide as he stared down at her.  He was wearing the dumbest Rudolph sweater, complete with a flashing red nose.</p>
<p>She couldn’t tear her eyes from Bellamy’s face for far too long, so long it was definitely well into awkward territory, but he wasn’t doing anything more than stare back, and she <em>just couldn’t stop.</em></p>
<p>He looked good.  He’d grown a beard, which was something she didn’t usually like, but it was definitely working on him.  Maybe because everything worked on him.  She didn’t know.  It wasn’t like her brain was actually functioning right now or anything.</p>
<p>And then there was a cheer from the other room as Mariah Carey started up, and it jolted them from their trance.</p>
<p>“Excuse me,” Clarke whispered, ducking her head and pushing out past Bellamy before he could say anything.</p>
<p>She found Harper in the kitchen, stirring something on the stove.</p>
<p>“I need a drink,” she declared, and Harper looked up at her.  Clarke didn’t know what showed on her face, but it was enough for Harper to pull out an extra large wine glass a fill it without any other details needed.</p>
<p>She’d already drained half of it before Harper spoke.</p>
<p>“You saw him?” </p>
<p>She nodded, not moving the glass away from her lips.  She’d been wrong in the bathroom, she wasn’t ready for this.</p>
<p>Harper sighed and leaned back against the counter.  “What did you say?” she asked, and Clarke finished her glass.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she said, reaching for the wine bottle to refill her glass.  “I just stood there and stared at him like an idiot.  I couldn’t even think.”</p>
<p>Harper crossed her arms over her chest, the bells on her sweater jingling.  “Just take a minute and breathe,” she suggested.  “You don’t have to talk to him right away, but you do need to talk to him.  Just have a bit of a break, and then go hang out with someone else until you’re ready.”</p>
<p>Clarke nodded, running a hand over her face.  “I just feel so awful,” she said, sighing.  “The last time we saw each other, I was horrible.  Why would he even want to talk to me?”</p>
<p>“You haven’t seen him,” Harper said, like she needed any reminder.  “He misses you, too, Clarke.  If you make sure he knows how sorry you are and how much you regret it, I don’t think he’s going to turn you away.  But if you don’t do anything, nothing’s going to change.”</p>
<p>Clarke sighed again, raising her wine glass to sip at it again, slower this time.  “Okay,” she agreed.  “Okay.  I’ll talk to him later.”</p>
<p>Harper smiled at her.  “Great,” she said, pushing away from the counter and crossing the kitchen.  She patted Clarke on the shoulder, and Clarke pretended it didn’t feel as comforting as it did.  “I have to go rescue my son from his uncle before Jasper feeds him so much candy he pukes.”</p>
<p>Clarke waved her off.  She hovered in the kitchen until she finished her wine, and then filled her glass again before venturing out into the party.</p>
<p>Her eyes immediately found Bellamy, despite her commitment to not talking to him until she was ready.  He was over by the dining room table with Jasper, Harper, Jordan, and Emori, playing some sort of card game.  She stared at him for a moment, panic rising inside her again, before forcing herself to turn away.</p>
<p>She headed into the living room instead squeezing down onto the couch between Murphy and Miller.  She smiled as Raven introduced her to her new boyfriend, Shaw, and tried to pay attention to whatever Octavia was talking about</p>
<p>But it was hard.  Bellamy was there, in the corner of her eye, so close but so far away.  Usually at these things, they’d be glued to each others’ sides, kicking ass at games and getting drunk.  Honestly, Clarke was shocked it had taken her as long as it did to figure out she was in love with him.  Bellamy had meant so much to her, had been such a huge part of her life for so long, that she’d gotten comfortable.  These last few months without him, even though she’d had Finn, even though she’d had the rest of their friends, she’d felt lost.</p>
<p>She needed to talk to him tonight.  Even if it didn’t solve anything, she had to try.  As much as she wanted to be with him again, that didn’t even really matter. </p>
<p>She just wanted her best friend back. </p>
<p>Murphy elbowed her, and she tore her gaze from Bellamy.</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, when she noticed everyone was staring at her.</p>
<p>“I asked what’s going on between you and Bellamy?” Miller repeated, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Clarke swallowed and shook her head.  “Nothing,” she said, too quickly.  “Nothing’s going on.”</p>
<p>Octavia rolled her eyes.  “Bullshit,” she said.  “You guys haven’t talked to each other in months, and you’re definitely avoiding each other, even though he hasn’t stopped staring at you all night.”</p>
<p>Her eyes darted back over to where Bellamy was without her permission, just in time to watch him rip his off her.  She followed his lead, turning her gaze back to her friends.</p>
<p>“Nothing’s going on,” she repeated.  “He can come over here and join us if he wants to.”</p>
<p>No one looked like they believed her, so Clarke quickly downed the rest of her wine and stood up.</p>
<p>“Anyone want another drink?” she asked.  Her friends shared a look before apparently deciding to let her off the hook for now, and then she was retreating to the kitchen with an armful of glasses.</p>
<p>She set the glasses on the counter and pulled her phone from her pocket.  How had she been here for less than an hour?</p>
<p>She took a moment to breathe, like Harper had suggested earlier in the night, and then went about filling up glasses, hoping she remembered who had what.  It would take her a few trips to get everyone’s out now that they were full, but that just meant less time spent being interrogated.</p>
<p>She heard a noise behind her and finished pouring Murphy’s eggnog before turning around to see who it was.  Jasper was fiddling with something in the doorway, and gave her a grin as he came towards her.</p>
<p>“I am here to help,” he declared, and grabbed most of the glasses off the counter, balancing them precariously in his hands.</p>
<p>“I can grab some,” Clarke protested, staring at the two that were left, but Jasper shook his head.</p>
<p>“There’s a contest,” he told her, backing towards the door.  “Octavia’s winning right now, but if I carry these out without spilling any, I’ll be on top.”</p>
<p>It wasn’t the weirdest thing she’d ever heard Jasper say, but there was still something about it that felt off.  But she shook it off, deciding that it was just seeing Bellamy again that was making her second guess everything.</p>
<p>So she took another moment in the kitchen on her own to breathe, and then turned to pick up the last of the glasses.</p>
<p>“Top shelf of the fridge,” she heard Murphy call from out in the living room.  “You can’t miss them.”</p>
<p>She was stepping through the doorway, drinks in hand, when she almost ran into someone for the second time that night, barely stopping before she spilled the drinks.</p>
<p>Her eyes trailed up Bellamy’s flashing Rudolph sweater until she reached his face, his eyes just as wide and panicked as she was sure hers were.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she whispered, dropping her eyes.  She didn’t know if he could hear the weight in the word, how it was for more than just continually blocking his path in doorways.  “I’ll just—”</p>
<p>“Ooo,” Jasper called from somewhere behind Bellamy.  “Someone’s under the <em>mistletoe</em>.”</p>
<p>Her blood ran cold, and her eyes darted back up to his for just a moment before raising higher, finding the half-hazardly pinned ball of mistletoe that definitely hadn’t been there when Clarke had entered the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Fucking Jasper,” she whispered, even though she felt like she couldn’t breathe.  “We don’t have to.  I’ll just—”</p>
<p>“Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss,” everyone in the other room was chanting.</p>
<p>She could practically feel the tension radiating off of Bellamy, but he wasn’t moving, wasn’t giving her any space to get past him.</p>
<p>“Bellamy?” she whispered, her eyes finding his face again.  He was already staring at her, his eyes unreadable and a muscle in his jaw jumping.  “If you just—”</p>
<p>She didn’t get anything else out, because suddenly her words and her breath were being stolen by his lips.  Her eyes dipped shut and if she’d been thinking clearly at all, she might have been embarrassed by the whimper she let out as she melted into his kiss.  It felt different with the beard scratching at her cheeks, but it felt familiar all the same. </p>
<p>It felt like home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>June 29</strong>
</p>
<p>Clarke stared blankly at her TV screen.  The <em>Are you still watching?</em> alert from Netflix had popped up long ago, but she didn’t feel like moving to find the remote to tell it that, yes, she was still watching.</p>
<p>There was a part of her that was mourning her relationship with Finn.  It’d been three weeks, and she still wasn’t over him.  She’d loved him, and a part of her still did.</p>
<p>A bigger part of her, though was pissed at him for cheating on her, and pissed at herself for not realizing that he was doing it sooner.</p>
<p>She dimly heard the front door opening somewhere behind her, and wondered if she should be moving to hide from a murderer or not.</p>
<p>“If you’re staring at a blank TV again, we’re gonna have a problem,” Bellamy called through the apartment, and that was enough to send her scrambling to find the remote.</p>
<p>“It just did this,” she told Bellamy when he came in and she still couldn’t find the remote.</p>
<p>“Sure,” he agreed, and flopped down on the couch beside her, dropping a bag of chips into her lap.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” she said, tearing the bag open and shoving a handful into her mouth.</p>
<p>They sat there in silence for a few minutes, staring at the blank screen on the TV.</p>
<p>“He didn’t deserve you,” Bellamy said, and Clarke snapped her gaze to him, her mouth suddenly dry around the chips that were crammed into it.  She tried to swallow them, tried to argue him, but he shook his head.  “He didn’t.  You’re amazing, Clarke, and if he didn’t know that, then he doesn’t deserve you.”</p>
<p>She finally managed to swallow her mouthful.  “I love him,” she said quietly, tearing her gaze from Bellamy to stare at the blank TV again.  “I love him, Bellamy.”</p>
<p>“But he didn’t love you,” he snapped, and Clarke turned to face him again, eyes wide in shock.  “I’m sorry, Clarke, but he didn’t.  If he’d loved you, if he’d <em>really</em> loved you, he wouldn’t have cheated.”</p>
<p>And Clarke knew that.  She really did.  But it still hurt.</p>
<p>“I thought he was the one,” she whispered, turning away from Bellamy again and dropping the bag of chips in favour of picking at a loose string on her blanket.  “I really did, Bellamy.  After Lexa—I didn’t think I’d find someone I loved that much again.  I really thought I’d marry him one day.”</p>
<p>Bellamy didn’t say anything, and Clarke settled back into the silence, wondering vaguely where the remote was.  She hated talking about feelings, and didn’t want to talk about Finn.  If the TV was playing, they wouldn’t have to talk.</p>
<p>She’d just made up her mind to get off the couch and look for it when Bellamy finally spoke.</p>
<p>“You’ll find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.”</p>
<p>Clarke sighed, sinking back into the couch again instead of getting up.  They were still talking about this, then.</p>
<p>“You don’t know that,” she told him, still staring down at her blanket.  “What if Finn was as good as I can do?”</p>
<p>“He’s not.”  Bellamy said it with so much conviction that Clarke couldn’t help but look up at him.  His forearms were resting on his knees as he leaned forward, the vein in his jaw jumping as he stared at the TV, almost purposefully not looking at her.  “You’ll find someone better than him.”</p>
<p>“How do you know that?” Clarke snapped, and he turned to look at her.  She pushed away from the back of the couch, digging a hand into her hair.  “How can you possibly know I’ll find someone?  Every single person I’ve loved has broken my heart, Bellamy.  How am I supposed to just believe I’ll find someone one day who won’t?”</p>
<p>Bellamy sighed, shaking his head.  “I just know, Clarke,” he said, voice low.  There was something in his eyes, something she couldn’t read, but she barely paid it any mind.</p>
<p>“But <em>how</em>?” she demanded, desperate, pleading.</p>
<p>And then suddenly he’d closed the distance between them, pressing their lips together.  She froze for a second, her brain short circuiting, but then he was moving and she was moving with him, her eyes falling shut and her hand coming up on its own to cling to his shirt.  Everything else fell away.  Finn, her fears, the blank TV screen, all of it was just gone.</p>
<p>It was only her and Bellamy, and how right it felt to be kissing him.</p>
<p>He was the one who pulled away first, only far enough to rest their foreheads together, only far enough for them to catch their breath.</p>
<p>“Let me show you,” he whispered, and she blinked, trying to remember what they were talking about.</p>
<p>She pulled back a little farther, just so she could see him.  He blinked at her, his chest rising and falling as heavily as hers felt.  That something was back in his eyes again, and she still couldn’t recognize it, but she knew the desperate tinge it had taken on.</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, breathless.</p>
<p>He kissed her again, short and soft and slow, his hand rising to cup her cheek.  When he pulled back again, he smiled at her, soft and hopeful, and she wished her brain was working enough to figure out what it meant.</p>
<p>“Let me show you,” he repeated, and, in that moment, she’d let him show her anything.  “Let me show you how you deserve to be loved, Clarke.”</p>
<p>She stared at him for a moment longer, drinking in his swollen lips and his earnest eyes, taking in everything that was Bellamy and letting it sink in just how much she wanted to kiss him.</p>
<p>“Okay,” she finally whispered, and the blinding grin he gave her almost distracted her from doing what she planned to do next.  Almost, because there was no way she could completely forget how much she wanted to kiss him again.</p>
<p>So she did just that, using the grip she still had on his shirt to tug him closer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>December 19</strong>
</p>
<p>It only lasted a moment and then he was pulling away.  Her eyes stayed shut as she tried to remind herself how to breathe, remind her heart to keep beating.  The slamming of the front door drew her back into the present, her eyes snapping open and the sound of her friends’ catcalls turning to confusion rang in her ears.</p>
<p>“What was that?” someone asked, and she didn’t care enough to figure out who.</p>
<p>Her mind was racing.  Why had he kissed her?  Why had he left?  Thoughts ran through too quickly for her to catch hold of most of them, Bellamy having stole her brain with his lips.</p>
<p>But there was one thing that was ringing louder and louder in what was left of her mind.  If she didn’t go after him, she probably wouldn’t get another chance.</p>
<p>She ran through the living room to the front door, frantically searching the floor for her shoes.</p>
<p>“What was that?” someone asked again, closer to her.  She looked up from her search for a second to find Murphy standing almost too close, the others gathered behind her.</p>
<p>“What was that?” she repeated, her voice rising in panic, returning to her search.  “What was <em>that?</em>  Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to put mistletoe there?”</p>
<p>“We thought it’d be funny,” Jasper said, shifting behind her.  “You and Bellamy have been being weird, so we thought we’d force you to be close together and that would get you to actually talk to each other.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Murphy agreed slowly.  “No one expected him to actually kiss you.  Not like that, at least.”</p>
<p>Clarke huffed, tugging her Santa hat off and crumpling it in her hands.  “Well, you just fucked things up even more,” she said, willing herself to not start crying.  She couldn’t cry.  She wouldn’t.  “I don’t know if I can even fix things anymore.  <em>And where are my damn shoes?”</em></p>
<p>Someone, she couldn’t tell who, thrust her shoes into her hand, and she abandoned her hat as she pulled them on.</p>
<p>She threw out the door, hitting them all with a blast of wind and snow.  She ignored the chill that was already seeping into her bones, and ran down the stares, glancing around the front yard.</p>
<p>“Bellamy!” she yelled, hoping she wasn’t too late, hoping he hadn’t gotten too far away.  “Bellamy!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>July 24</strong>
</p>
<p>Clarke sat at her table, drumming her fingers against it’s surface like that could distract her from the pit in her stomach.  The door opened, and she almost jumped out of her skin.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Bellamy said, wrapping his arms around her from behind and pressing a kiss against her cheek.  She froze and he noticed, of course he noticed.  “What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>She shook her head, gesturing at the seat next to her.  “I need to tell you something,” she said, already hating herself as she said the words.</p>
<p>He hurried around her, sinking into the chair, staring at her with so much concern that that the pit in her stomach started crawling up her throat and she felt like she was going to be sick.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” he asked, and she shook her head, unable to look at him.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she said.  “Everything’s fine.  I just—I saw Finn this morning.”</p>
<p>Bellamy started to stand up.  “Did he do something?” he demanded.  “If he did anything, I’ll—”</p>
<p>“No,” she said, reaching out to pull him back down before stopping herself, not knowing if she was allowed to touch him.  “No, he didn’t do anything.”</p>
<p>Bellamy sunk down again, reaching out to grab her hand.  “What happened, Clarke?” he asked.  “Look at me.  Please.”</p>
<p>Clarke swallowed heavily.  “He wants to get back together,” she whispered, closing her eyes instead of following his request.  “He’s sorry, and he still loves me.  He wants a second chance.”</p>
<p>“And you told him to fuck off, right?” Bellamy said, almost desperately.  “You told him you deserved better than some cheating douche?”</p>
<p>And she knew what the emotion welling behind his words was, even if she refused to name it.  It was the same emotion that had been eating her from the inside out almost since they’d started this thing.</p>
<p>There was something about Bellamy that was different than anyone else she’d been with, even Finn or Lexa.  There was something about him that was better, that was more, that made her heart sing every time he was near.</p>
<p>Something that made her walls start to go up to protect her.</p>
<p>Because something this good couldn’t last.  Because what she felt for Bellamy was <em>more</em>, and that meant that, when he’d inevitably break her heart, because everyone always broke her heart, it would hurt all the more, too.</p>
<p>So when she’d run into Finn this morning, it had been easy.  It had been a way to save her heart from being cracked open again.</p>
<p>“I said I’d give him another chance,” she whispered, eyes pressed shut so she didn’t have to look at him while she did this.</p>
<p>“Clarke,” he said, and he sounded so broken, so un-Bellamy that she almost broke her own plan and risked everything.</p>
<p>But her heart was on the line, so she shook her head.</p>
<p>“I love him, Bellamy,” she whispered, and hoped it sounded like the truth.  She didn’t know what she knew anymore, but she knew that she couldn’t continue on with Bellamy, no matter how much she might want to.  She wouldn’t be able to live with the inevitable fallout of losing him.  “I told you.  I think he’s it for me.  I have to try.”</p>
<p>“What about us?” Bellamy pleaded.  “Clarke, look at me.  Don’t do this.  Look at me.  <em>Please.”</em>  She couldn’t keep her eyes shut anymore.  He had tears in his eyes and looked more lost, more desperate than she’d ever seen him.  She wanted to look away, but couldn’t.  He reached out, grabbed her hands.  “He <em>cheated on you</em>, Clarke.  He’ll just cheat on you again.  You don’t need him, okay?  You can do so much better than him.  Please.  Let’s talk about this.  We can still—”</p>
<p>“No,” Clarke said through the lump in her throat.  “Finn is who I’m meant to be with.  I love <em>him</em>.”  She didn’t know if she kept saying that to convince him or her, didn’t know if it mattered.  “This isn’t what we’re meant to be, Bellamy.  We’re just supposed to be friends.”</p>
<p>“No.”  Bellamy shook his head, pulling back.  “No.  Clarke, you don’t mean that.  Don’t do this.  <em>Please.</em>  Please, Clarke.  I lo—”</p>
<p>“I love him,” Clarke broke in, refusing to even think about what he might have been going to say.  “I love Finn, Bellamy.”</p>
<p>He stared at her a minute longer, and Clarke dropped her gaze, unable to stand just how broken he looked anymore.</p>
<p>“Fine,” he said, pushing to his feet.  “Fine.  Go back to him.  But don’t come crying to me when he cheats on you again.”</p>
<p>And then he was gone, slamming the door behind him, and Clarke found herself breaking down, telling herself that it was because there was no way she’d have her best friend around anytime soon and not because of anything else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>December 19</strong>
</p>
<p>“Bellamy!” she yelled again, hugging her arms around herself to try to keep out the cold.</p>
<p>The snow was howling around her, and she looked around, wondering where he’d gone.  His car was still parked on the road, so he couldn’t have gotten far and—there!  The Rudolph on his shirt acting like its narrative counterpart and casting a blinking red guiding light through the snow.</p>
<p>“Bellamy,” she called, moving towards where he was sitting on the curb across the street, snow no doubt soaking through his pants.  He glanced up as she came closer, swiping at his cheeks like he could get rid of the frozen tears before she’d notice them.</p>
<p>“Please,” she said, quieter, once they were within hearing distance.  “Please, can we talk?”</p>
<p>Bellamy sighed and pushed to his feet, digging a hand through his hair.  If Clarke had been thinking about anything else, she would have wondered if the others could see them through the snow from where they were no doubt watching through the windows.  The lights on her sweater were definitely enough of a beacon that it was possible.</p>
<p>“Look,” Bellamy said, not looking at her.  “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have kissed you.  I know you’re with Finn.”</p>
<p>Clarke blinked at him for a second.  That had not been anywhere near what she’d been expecting him to say.</p>
<p>“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she assured him.  A part of her pointed out that she should tell him that she broke up with Finn weeks ago, but a bigger part of her never wanted to even speak Finn’s name again.  She took a deep breath.  “<em>I’m</em> sorry.  I know you deserve so much more than sorry, but I am.  I shouldn’t have—”</p>
<p>“But you did.”  Bellamy huffed, narrowing his eyes at her.  She almost preferred him not looking at her.  “Where is he, by the way?  I haven’t seen his stupid face around here yet.”</p>
<p>Clarke sighed.  Of course she couldn’t be lucky enough to not have to talk about Finn tonight.</p>
<p>“We broke up.”</p>
<p>That seemed to not be what Bellamy was expecting, and he stared at her for a long moment, like he was trying to process that information and come up with how he should be feeling about that.</p>
<p>“What?” was what he eloquently decided upon.  “When?”</p>
<p>Clarke shrugged, and now she was the one avoiding his gaze.  “A few weeks ago.”</p>
<p>“Why?” Bellamy asked, a bit of the bite from before back in his words.  “I thought he was the love of your life.”</p>
<p>Okay, that stung, but she deserved it.  Even though she knew now that that was anything but the truth.</p>
<p>She swallowed, stared down at her feet, buried in the snow.  “He cheated on me.”</p>
<p>Bellamy shifted, and she couldn’t see his face, couldn’t see if he was gloating like she’d feared he might these last few weeks.</p>
<p>“He what?” he asked, and Clarke couldn’t read his tone.</p>
<p>Clarke huffed, snapping her gaze up to his.  “He fucking cheated on me, okay?” she snapped, the anger at Finn coming out, even though she’d meant this conversation to be an apology.  “Just like you said he would.  You were right, Bellamy.  Is that what you want to hear?  You were fucking right, and I shouldn’t have given him another chance.  Happy now?”</p>
<p>Bellamy’s expression was soft, too soft for how mad he was supposed to be with her, and it almost hurt Clarke to look at it, but she wouldn’t look away.  She was in this, however it turned out, and she was going to be completely in this.</p>
<p>“Of course I’m not happy,” Bellamy said, and there wasn’t a single thing in his face or his voice that disputed that fact.  “He cheated on you.  Why would I be happy about that?”</p>
<p>Clarke shrugged, all the fight leaving her.  “I was awful,” she said, and knew he knew what she was referring to.  “I was absolutely terrible to you.  You have every right to be happy about that.”</p>
<p>Bellamy shook his head.  “Well, I’m not,” he said, and Clarke decided to leave it at that.</p>
<p>“Please let me explain,” she said, and then powered on before he could protest.  “Every single person I’ve fallen in love with has broken my heart, and it’s destroyed me every time.  You’ve been there every time.  You know.”  She stopped, paused, took a breath.  Bellamy didn’t interrupt, just stared at her, his face lacking any readable emotion.  “When we were together, it was nothing like I’d ever felt before.  It was so much more and I—I didn’t realize it then, but I was in love with you.  I’m still in love with you.”</p>
<p>She paused again, unwilling to keep powering on after that confession.  That hadn’t been part of the plan.  The plan was to get him back as a friend, to fix their friendship and put any thought of a relationship on the back burner until he made her think he wanted anything more.</p>
<p>When he’d kissed her under the mistletoe, he’d thrown her whole plan out the window.</p>
<p>And now he was standing here, just staring at her, and she still couldn’t read his expression.  It was something close to shock now, maybe a bit of hope, but that could have been her projecting.</p>
<p>“That’s why I had to leave you,” she continued.  “What I felt for you, what I still feel for you, it was so much more than I’ve ever felt for anyone else before.  I love you, and it absolutely terrifies me.  That’s why I said yes when Finn asked for another chance.  Anything he could do to me wouldn’t hurt anywhere near as much as losing you would.”  She swallowed.  “So I hurt you before you could hurt me, and I lost you anyway.”</p>
<p>Bellamy still wasn’t saying anything, and she still couldn’t read his face.  She hoped he’d say something soon, but would understand if he didn’t.  As much as she hoped what she was saying would make a difference, would make him want to be friends again, she knew he had every right to still want nothing to do with her.</p>
<p>“I love you, Bellamy,” she said again, after a moment.  “But I don’t need you to say it back.  All I want is you back in my life.  I’m—I don’t know how I’ve lived this whole time without you, but I can’t do it anymore.  I need my best friend back, and that’s all I need if that’s all you want.  Please.”</p>
<p>She stood there another minute, the cold really starting to make itself known.  Bellamy didn’t do anything but stare at her, so she eventually dropped her eyes, steeling herself to head back into the party and get drunk enough that she’d forget this ever happened.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she whispered, turning to go.</p>
<p>His hand grabbed her arm before she could get too far, tugging her back towards him.  She glanced up at him in shock for the split second before his lips crashed into hers.  She melted into the kiss immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck so she could dig her fingers into his hair in a way she was just now realizing she’d missed <em>so fucking much</em>, and his own arms pulled her tightly against him.</p>
<p>She had to breathe eventually, as much as she would have preferred not to, and had to pull back.  He seemed less inclined to breathe, pressing kisses across her jaw and up to her ear.</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” he whispered against her skin, sending shivers up her spine.  “<em>God</em>, Clarke.  I’ve been in love with you for so fucking long, you have no idea.”</p>
<p>She’d hoped this was the response she’d get from her apology, but not a single part of her expected it to actually happen.  Her heart was soring, and she found herself actually giggling in his arms.</p>
<p>“I love you,” she told him again, and redirected his lips to hers.  “I love you so much.”</p>
<p>And later, when they were back inside Monty and Harper’s house, wrapped up in blankets and each other and clinging to mugs of spiked hot chocolate, she’d stop rubbing the soft scarf that Raven had bought her against her face to watch Jasper hand Bellamy the carefully chosen and wrapped gift she’d bought him.</p>
<p>“This one’s from Clarke,” Jasper would say, wiggling his eyebrows, and Bellamy’s eyes would dart over to her for a second before starting his unwrapping.</p>
<p>He’d stare down at the box for a long moment, and Clarke would start to feel nervous again.</p>
<p>“Do you like it?” she’d ask, a quiet, anxious question.</p>
<p>And he’d look up at her, that beautiful, gorgeous smile on his face, and he’d say, “It’s perfect,” and she’d have no choice but to kiss him again.</p>
<p>But, for now, she was more than content to stay out in the snow, the cold having no effect when the love she felt for him and the love he felt for her kept her warm.</p>
<p>So she just kissed him, again and again, never intending to stop ever again.</p>
<p>
  <em>Magic fills the air<br/>Standing over there<br/>Santa, hear my prayer<br/>Here under the mistletoe</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed!!!!</p>
<p>Merry Christmas again to Carrieevew!!!  Hope you're having a great day!!</p>
<p>Comments and kudos give me life!!!</p>
<p>Come follow me on Tumblr at Probably-Voldemort!</p>
<p>Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday!! :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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